sun_shine_2007

11:26 pm

Sorry I havent wrote in this for awhile I've just been so busy n just not in the mood. My life is crashing down around me and I'm not sure how to deal with it...its like any person i go to lean on steps away becuz its to much for them to handle. But the ones who dont move away keep saying i kno how u feel im sorry i kno but u can make it....NO U DONT KNO HOW I FEEL! Everyday i feel like im gettin closer to faling over the edge and i just cant help it. I always hear ppl say they kno when its their time to die becuz thats how they feel....well, thats exactly how i feel. I feel like my time is down I want to move on to a better place where Jerrys memories cant hurt me anymore and the painful feelings i feel will be gone. I honestly dont kno how i make it thru another day...I kno i dont want to I dont feel like i belong anymore....All my friends and family have just disappeared in a way and i understand that becuz they have their lives but its like every will i have to live has left with them. They keep tryin to put me in a hospital and i keep fighting it but i dont have much strength to fight with anymore...I hate my life I hate living. Tomorrow i have to go to court n prolly testify which im scared to death to do. But i HAVE to! i have to do everything i made the damn case i did everything i am sick of feeling so worthless n disgusting im just sick of being here....

Current Mood: depressed

12:06 am - Well....Steffie is here!!

Well lotta stuff has been going on lately....Steffie Jenn and Aunt Maureen are all here. So thats kinda fun....Steffie plucked my eye brows tonite n now i feel like i've been to the butcher and back a couple times!!! But besides that things aren't going that bad i guess. I mean they've been better but they are ok....well anyways ima get going im dead tired.

*~*Ash*~*

Current Mood: gloomy

06:26 pm - im mad!

Ok today has been awful! I went to the dr. and i tore ligaments so thats just lovely and then after i got outta the dr. i went to see Stoney becuz i really needed to talk to him bcuz i just needed someone who cares to listen and be there, but he'd rather go play cards and drink and do who knows what the hell else. Yes he had plans b4 and i should not expect him to drop them jus bcuz i need him at the last minute i kno that and normally i wouldnt ask him to do that. But under the circumstances he coulda at least listened for a couple minutes. I mean in relationships u do make sacrifices and I've made some for him and I'm sure he's made some for me too but i just felt like he blew me completely off. It feels like he doesnt care at all. I mean really mayb we aren't good for eachother i care about him ALOT and he makes me very happy but i just feel like we are from two different worlds. He is used to doing what he wants when he wants and me i'm used to having some devotion lol And i cant talk to him about it becuz he doesnt listen its like he doesnt care...so i just dk what to do.....i care for him but mayb he doesnt feel the same.....

*~*Ash*~*

Current Mood: sad

11:03 pm - Long and hard day.....

Today has been one hell of a day......

School was ok i guess. Its gettin so boring i just want to quit. You wouldnt believe the amount of homework we get. Its like we dont have a life outta school!!! All we hear is OGT this OGT that i took the damn practice tests and i advanced them all so get the heck off my back lol. We take that soon too. March 14 i think. I'm not to worried tho i think ill do ok.

Stoney picked me up from school tho so that made it really good.  Hes a character i tell ya...But hes awesome! He really makes me happy. And i feel so comfortable around him not like i have in my other relationships. Plus we havent been together that long. Almost a month.  He's so fun to aggrivate too. We were having alil water fight today! He spit it in my hair and i spilled it all over him. I havent had that much fun in forever!! You have no idea how happy I am with him. And i feel so safe. I know he wont let anyone hurt me. Even tho we have alot of miscommunications I know we are going to be good together. And his family is a real trip and a half. lol i just cant say it enuff that i am so happy with him. Even on the Sims game we are going great together....hes working im staying home sleeping! Who could ask for anything more?!?!?! lol no when i get married i want an equal relationship with me spoiled lol but seriously i care alot about Stoney and i am really looking forward to our future together i kno it is going to be amazing!!!!!

Ok well my pillow is talking to me so I'ma get to bed.

*~*Ash*~*

I love my Stoney~sometimes.......lol

Current Mood: drained

03:27 pm - Hey I need some help!!

OK I've been thinking alot lately about alot of things and alot bout the past.  And since i have such great friends I'm asking for ur advice on how to handle everything.....

First i wanted to apologize for everything i have ever did to hurt any of you.  You guys are the greatest things in my life and i dont know what i would do without you...You're what keeps me going when im out of energy.

Second Dan....Part of me will always love you becuz u were my 1st real taste at love. and i want to tell u I'm very sorry for the way i acted love makes you do crazy things and i jus want to say u were right i would thank you one day for doing what you did so Thank You Dan! Friends Forever!!!!!

Third Trey.....I'm sorry things didnt work but i always want to b ur friend.  I kno there will be alot of ruff stuff to get thru but I will always love you Trey Thank you for showing me its ok to be different.

Fourth...... I'm falling in love with Stoney and im falling FAST.  He makes me feel so wonderful and even tho he can b mean sometimes i care about him alot. And right now if i had to catch myself i dont think i could....

Fifth....Ok have u ever loved someone but there is something they dont kno about you? And it eats away inside you and u are miserable becuz you cant tell them....And it happened way before you 2 even met....It's not that you dont trust them its just that youve kept it a secret so long that ure afriad to tell. And not to mention the person you want to tell is very protective...And you dont know how they would act...And I know love is a wonderful thing and you should be able to share anything, but its not that i cant tell him and i dont want to tell him becuz i want to tell him so bad i want him to kno and its killing me seriously but when i do im so afraid how he is going to react. Hes extremely understanding but ya u get what i mean? I want to tell him i need to tell him but i have an idea how he is going to act and i dont want that to happen but if i dont tell him im keeping something from him and you cant have an honest relationship like that.  I feel as though I'm being unfaithful....if he was keeping something from me Id want to know i really would.  Is it best to wait until i know how they will react..? Or should i not tell them at all? Or should i sit down with him and gradually tell him....I'm so confused but its killing me inside you have no idea...Should i just end things now so i dont have to burden him with my secert? I'd be miserable but that way he wouldnt know and wouldnt do anything not so smart.  I mean ive kinda lied to keep him from knowing already but i dont want to do that i dont want to lie to him i want to be honest. I want him to know my secert that no one else knows.  I dont want my relationship with him to be built with secerts and lies like my others. I want this one to last forever i really care about him soooo much. But what if i do tell him and he leaves me becuz i didnt tell him in the 1st place? Or what if he just leaves me period becuz of it?  I'm really scared to lose him but i want to be honest.....What do i do someone PLEASE help me!!! Well i gotta go for now ill be bac later.....

*~*Ash*~*

Current Mood: scared

10:42 pm - My dream last nite...Stoney...Friends in Illionis

Hey sorry that old journal got kinda ignorant to many bad memories so i say lets jus start a new one!
Last nite i had an awful dream!!! It was really really werid but its kinda funny! Ok it started out where i was with Stoney at his house but it wasnt at his house. And there was like a party....well i was minggaling u kno talking to everyone and all of a sudden i realized Stoney was gone. So i went in the kitchen and asked where he was and someone said hes got back having sex and i was like wow what?!?!?! and they were like ya go look so i grabbed the pan of creamy corn sittin on the table and walked outside. And big surprise he was outside with some fugly looking girl. i mean she was just nasty. And i walked over to him and dumped the pan of corn on him n threw the pan on him and walked bac inside.He chased after me but i was done with him.
Thats so like Stoney to do that too!! LoL no not really hes kind of a sweetie. He makes me really happy even tho he frustrates me alot! Lets see today was very boring. I was at my mommas most of the day. I'm finally home tho. I dont want to go to school tomorrow im so tired of fighting with Trey and gettin all emotional like girls do. After school tho i might go see butthead. I dont kno tho hes been really mean to me lately. After all he did sleep with someone else in my dream. That wasnt very nice at all!
Anywho I'm really bored...I cant wait to go bac to illionis. I miss all of my friends so much! I think over spring break i'm going to go bac but stupid Mo is gonna b in Europe. Why in hell would someone want to go to Europe when they could stay home and see me! Crazy people i'm tellin ya!
Well goober jus came bac so im gonna talk to him for a little while then go to bed so BuH ByE

Current Mood: blah